Waiting to Say I Love you
by FinalAvenue
Summary: Recent events make Stella do a retrospective look at her life and her future path. Smacked.


A/N: Song used is If I Fall, by Doc Walker. Enjoy.

If I Fall ~ Doc Walker

I've Been Waiting For The Perfect Moment  
My Hands Are Shaking But My Heart Is True  
I've Been Waiting To Say I Love You  
But I Want To Be Sure You'll Say You Love Me Too

So Baby Won't You Say It With Me  
Or Leave Me Out In The Cold  
If I Fall Right Here Would You Carry Me Home  
And If You Feel The Way I Feel  
Then You've Got To Let Me Know  
If I Fall Right Here Would You Carry Me Home

Pulled Off The Highway, Let The Motor Idle  
Girl There's A Reason Why I Brought You Here  
I Said I Love You And Sat There Silent  
That One Moment Felt Like A Thousand Years

So Baby Will You Stay With Me  
Or Leave Me Out Here In The Cold  
If I Fall Right Here Would You Carry Me Home  
And If You Feel The Way I Feel  
Then You've Got To Let Me Know  
If I Fall Right Here Would You Carry Me Home  
I've Been Waiting For The Perfect Moment  
My Hands Are Shaking But My Heart Is True

* * *

There was a certain comfort in listening to music. Songs expressed feelings and actions that perhaps were not able to happen in reality; they allowed your mind the opportunity to mull over new directions. To think about possibilities or maybe about what you wanted to happen. As the melody carries you through the song, your mind is allowed to get lost in the lyrics.

It was for this reason Stella loved music. Growing up it had afforded her a reprieve from the rigors of growing up in an orphanage. At that time, it had been in the haunting wails of the church organ. Stella remembered sneaking into the darkened church early in the morning to listen to Sister Bethany practicing her hymns for that day. The organ pipes leering out a mournful tune, Sister Bethany totally in harmony with her instrument and engrossed in her piece. The echoes of notes throughout the empty church had created a beautiful quality that Stella learned to appreciate.

In her late teens and early twenties, the love of music had come in the form of more mainstream music. Rock n roll and pop music had both found their way into her vocabulary after being forbidden fruit for so many years at the orphanage. Those songs of rebellion and lust for independence had helped her get through college and into the academy. The format of music changed, but the drones of the electric guitar and bass still allowed her to get lost in her thoughts. Stella thought it fitting that it was during this tumultuous time of her life, trying to prove she could provide and forge a life for herself, that rock n roll was the soundtrack for her life.

Stella found her love for music had continued but now her taste was very diverse, encompassing many different genres of music. It reflected the diversity of her life, with everything she has been exposed to over the years; it made sense it would splash over into her musical tastes.

As the throaty drawls of a male singer and guitar accompaniment drifted to her from the radio, Stella realized that at this moment, the music made her feel isolated, alone. It was not helping her mood. Reaching over and turning the dial, the FM radio poured out static until it found another station. A more pleasant tune greeted her ears, the music having a folksy feel.

Stella sighed, stretched in her chair and eyed the clock, 1:30 AM. That could be the reason for this impromptu reflective session she thought humourlessly, rubbing tired hands through her hair.

Detective Stella Bonasera was working late again, such a surprise. A soft chuckle left her throat as she laughed at her own revelation. Glancing to the stack of papers that littered the desk before her, Stella came to the realization that this was not going to magically rectify itself tonight. Although putting a good-sized dent in the paperwork, a large pile sat waiting for Mac's signature, another pile just as big had not been read yet.

Another tired sigh left her lips, leaning back heavily in her chair. If Stella was truthful, the paperwork had been a welcome distraction. Sleep had not been coming easily in the last few weeks, her brain not willing to quiet long enough for her body to rest or due to nightmares. Stella had pulled a page from Mac's book and decided to put her insomnia to work in the vain hope that it would help make her tired.

It had failed miserably. For three nights, she had been hoping that trick would work and she was now realizing that it was a fruitless endeavour but at least she did not have to sit at home, alone. The TV could only provide so much company; usually it provided background noise but she never actually watched. Stella saw more than enough at work and did not need to watch it on TV.

Even music was not providing her with her usual mental relaxation. It just reinforced how off balance her brain and body was at present. Of course, there was a good excuse for that. In the weeks that have followed Angel's death and the subsequent shooting at the bar, everyone has been tense and quick to anger. Reality has been fractured and now, we are left with the task of learning how to cope with the new reality.

A daunting task at first thought. Even Mac had struggled with the effort of the task. Detective Mac Taylor had lost himself in the case and although the answer to the senseless shooting had been solved, Danny's recovery still weighed heavy on everyone's mind. His return to work had been bittersweet; the wheelchair a reminder of what could be permanently lost.

Stella recalled reminding Mac that he was not the only one going through this period of grief. She tried to help him, wanted him to confide in her—to allow himself a moment of sorrow not as the head of the lab or as a detective but as a man who had lost one friend and almost another. To allow her the opportunity to also share her grief. As selfish as it seemed, she rarely surrendered those private feelings to anyone other than Mac. It did not happen though, not that Stella had expected it to. First work had interrupted and then the moment past.

A flash of lightening and boom of thunder broke her ponderings. A glance out the window revealed the promised light show the weather forecaster had been predicting for the last couple of days. The cityscape outside the windows then became marred in a wall of water, rain now pounding against the side of the building. More lightening flashed and a thunderous boom followed, a slight rattle echoing throughout her office. Watching the rain trail down the side of the building, Stella decided the weather was mirroring her sullen mood. As an involuntary shiver shook her body, she decided tea was in order.

Only minutes later, she sat in her office chair, steaming mug in hand and resigned herself to watching the storm. She posited on what Mac was doing at this moment. With a small smile, she thought he was most likely sitting in his apartment doing the same thing she was—storm watching. On this rare occasion, he had actually gone home much earlier in the evening. Stella had seen the fatigue in his eyes, his own insomnia no doubt catching up to him. Mac had thrown a worried glare her way as he stopped to say goodnight.

"_You're here late," Mac greeted from her doorway, Stella lifting her head slowly at his voice. He remained at the parameter of her office, not wanting to invade her space. His method of maintaining his distance plainly visible to Stella. _

_She gave him a shrug and half smile, hoping he would not see her own fatigue after her lecturing him for the same offense. "Catching up." Her reply was simple and truthful. There was always work to be done. _

"_Don't stay too late Stell. Even superhero detectives need to sleep sometimes." At her raised eyebrows, he smirked. "Your words," his order was softened with a rare smile. Stella gave an unimpressed look at being preached at with her own words._

"_I know, I know," Stella replied, not committing to anything. Mac raised an eyebrow and gave her a curious look. The former marine stood there a few moments, silence hanging between them. Stella watched him closely, his mouth opening as if to speak but then watched as Mac shook his head. _

"_Take care. I don't want to see you still here in morning," Mac cautioned, shaking off whatever words he had been considering. Stella merely sighed, nodding her head. If only he would say the words she wanted to hear. Instead, they were parting ways for the evening leaving her alone once more. _

"_Good night Mac," Stella returned, watching as Mac gave her a final nod before turning and leaving her office. Another opportunity lost. _

This left Stella with a regretful feeling. She acknowledged that both of them were stubborn, peak headed and passionate. That they were very opposite personalities and frequently butted heads. Stella just wanted to know why it was so _damn _hard for two people to discuss their feelings. They both were rather handicapped when it came to managing their own emotional wellbeing. Mac had the tendency to put blinders on and push through whatever was going on. Stella on the other hand became much more volatile, emotional outbursts ensuing.

Ever since Angell's passing and the bar shooting, Stella was finding less reasons to deny her true inner feelings. Life was short, why should she have to wait for what could be had now? That was an assumption that Mac returned those feelings and therein laid the problem. Anytime Mac felt anything remotely emotional, he shut down quicker than her damn computer. It was frustrating and Stella was tired of living this endless dance where it felt like neither one of them had the steps right. Stella did not want to settle for being alone if she did not have to.

Another flash of lightening followed several seconds later by thunder, informed her the storm was beginning to move away. With the drone of thunder decreased, Stella turned up her radio as a solemn intro by an acoustic guitar peaked her interest. The harmony of many instruments followed, the lead singers voice echoing in her office. His words seemed to speak to her, drawing her further into the lyrics.

_I've been waiting for the perfect moment, my hands are shaking by my heart is true. _

_I've been waiting to say I love you, but I want to be sure you'll say you love me too. _

_  
_Stella's hand clenched around her mug as she thought about how perfectly those words described their situation. Simplifying the scenario significantly but if put to basics, she waited for Mac and he waited for her to say those precious words. To acknowledge them and the rest could be worked out later.

_So baby will you stay with me, or leave me out in the cold_

_And if you feel the way I feel, than you've got to let me know. _

_If I fall right here, would you carry me home. _

Stella didn't know if it was the lack of sleep or the late hour but it seemed as if those words were meant for her. It brought her back to those days in the orphanage when Stella had been sure those organ hymns had been written for her, the music reining in her chaotic thoughts. The song finished leaving Stella with a feeling that the song had so plainly identified what needed to be done. It was so simple and yet at the same time so complicated.

Life is always complicated, Stella thought darkly, taking a drink of her steaming tea. Too damn complicated.

Lightening flashed, a silhouette drawing Stella's attention. Turning quickly, mumbled curse words in Greek left her tongue as drops of tea spilled on her lap. She was not surprised to find Mac staring apologetically at her.

"Sorry Stella -- didn't mean to startle you." He once again stood in her doorway. What was surprising was his attire; he stood before her in sweats and a light jacket. Mac was soaked, obviously caught out in the storm. He had been running, his hair was marred from the sweaty exertion. Stella noted that he looked more rested, a few hours sleep more than enough to recharge his batteries.

"S'okay," she offered, blotting at the tea on her pants with a tissue. Throwing the paper in the trash, Stella felt her heart quicken, un-nerved by his sudden appearance. She looked to her partner, his deep blue eyes examining her over.

After a few moments of consideration, Mac entered into her office, deciding to lean against her desk.

"I thought you were going home," he asked quietly, using the towel he had retrieved from his locker to wipe offending drips leaving his hair.

Stella thought about her answer, knowing she could lie and say she got caught up in the paperwork—it's been known to happen. However, Stella found she was unable to use that excuse.

"I didn't want to go home," Stella supplied, her words catching Mac off guard. A worried expression appeared on his features, a million scenarios floating through his brain as to why his partner would not want to return home. Seeing his confusion, Stella shrugged her shoulders.

"I haven't been able to sleep," she confided, nervously rubbing her hands together.

Her simple truth again caught Mac off guard. Of course, he had noticed how much time she had been spending at the lab the last few weeks but they had been very busy. Her fatigued and thinly veiled emotions had also been prominent, but also explainable by work. Now he found he was second-guessing his assumptions, chiding himself for not paying more attention.

"Nightmares?" he asked knowingly, he had his share of those. When he was particularly stressed from work was when they usually decided to rear their heads. With everything that had gone on in the last couple of months, nightmares would not be an uncommon finding he supposed.

Nodding her head, her green eyes locked onto his, taking comfort in his presence. This was what she wanted to so badly.

"Sometimes. Other times, it's just my brain. It won't shut off and I just stare at my ceiling for a few hours before I finally get up. "

Towelling off a few stray drips once more, Mac nodded. He understood completely.

"Staying here is not going to help you sleep. I know, I tried it many times," he advised, shaking his head. "Best way to fix it is to figure out what is bothering you."

"That's the trouble. I don't think I can fix it." Her voice waivered slightly and something in the intensity of her gaze made Mac feel like it was somehow related to him. He cocked his head to the side, Stella finally breaking eye contact. He watched as she played with her fingers, usually an indication of her anxiety. Realizing what she was doing, Stella chose to instead twist one of her curls around her finger.

"Maybe talking about it will help your brain work it out," he suggested, not missing the tension that was emanating from his partner.

Stella nodded, inhaled deeply before letting it out slowly. The words from the song repeated in her head, the words steeling her confidence. Stella met Mac's gaze once more, his face drawn up in concern. She wondered if he was as unaware of her feelings as he presented right now, causing her to reconsider her course of action for a moment. No, do this she thought bravely.

"I guess with everything that has happened," Stella began, knowing describing what the 'everything' meant was needless. "It has just put what is going on in my own life into perspective. It has made me think about what I want and reconsider the reasons I was putting it off." Stella searched his face for a glimmer of recognition of what she was talking about but he just held her gaze with his intense blue eyes, revealing nothing.

"We have been partners for a very long time Mac and you have become an invaluable friend, my family," Stella stated with a warm smile, Mac reciprocating with his own.

"An honour I am truly grateful for Stell," he answered softly, his deep voice encouraging her to continue with his praise.

"Since Angell's death and the bar, I have been evaluating our relationship." Her words caused Mac's brows to knit together in confusion. She paused, watching as Mac tried to identify where she was taking the conversation. "After Greece, I realized just how much I rely on you for support. Losing the Professor meant my family became even smaller," Stella stopped, swiping at moisture that sprung up at the mention of the Professor, her long time friend and mentor. Her emotions were still very raw over the deception and lies the Professor had weaved but at the same time saddened by his loss.

"When I saw you standing there talking to the museum directors, I felt a huge sense of relief because I knew you would help me through this. You always do Mac. You got me through Frankie, the HIV scare and through the fire. You are my lifeline," a tear trickled down her cheek, Stella wiping it away angry that her body was betraying her at such an important moment.

Stella knew she had to get the words across soon because Mac was starting to look distressed. He could plainly see the emotional turmoil this revelation was causing her and Stella could see in his eyes that he now knew where the conversation was headed. In an uncommon show of affection, Mac tenderly took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. Stella smiled, taking comfort in the show of support and took a steady breath before continuing.

"I need you Mac," she said sweetly, her voice thick with emotion. "I can't live with sparse hugs and pecks on the cheeks," she admitted, her eyes brimming with tears. Mac looked to her intently, his thumb unknowingly rubbing circles softly on her hand.

_I've been waiting for the perfect moment_

"I know there are policies, regulations and Sinclair. And I know you did it before with Peyton. But I love you Mac. I love you and I can't live with myself if I don't at least explore the possibility...,"

_My hands are shaking, but my heart is true_

Silence filled Stella's office. Mac continued staring motionless, into Stella's green orbs. She searched his eyes, desperately wanting him to answer—to say one way or the other. Instead, he just continued staring at her, the only movement visible was of his thumb, continuing to circle her hand.

_I said I love you and sat there silent_

_That one moment felt like a thousand years_

Finally, he broke eye contact and lowered his head. A sigh left his lips. "Stella...," his reaction caused Stella's heart to thud violently, almost certain he could hear it beating wildly. He rubbed his hand through his wet hair, before his eyes sought her out again. He squeezed her hand. "How can I give you what you need?" he asked, revealing his own doubts. "I am a broken man, with many scars- physical and emotional. How am I to provide you a stable relationship when I can barely take care of myself?"

Stella's hand encircled his, her tender touch creating a tingling sensation. Over the years, he had come to cherish those shows of affection that Stella had bestowed upon him. Save for a few exceptions, she was the only woman since Claire that he had allowed close and certainly the only one that gave him that reaction.

"One broken woman, one broken man. Together they make a whole," Stella answered simply with a smile. To her delight, Mac returned it. "Mac, you are the only man I have ever known who makes me feel safe and I trust completely. And I know Claire is always there, will always be a part of you. I accept that. She made you a great man and I hope I can too." Mac nodded his head, unable to voice his thoughts at her words. He cleared his throat, leaning down close to Stella who was now sitting as close to Mac as the desk allowed.

"I don't deserve another woman like you. I thought I was lucky with Claire, how'd you come into my life too?" he asked sombrely.

"Easy. I needed a man like you. You just got lucky, consider it a gift," Stella answered softly with a smile. She leaned in closer, their faces only millimetres apart, his breath tickling her cheek. Their gazes remained locked, the pounding of the rain lost in their lust for each other.

Mac leaned in the final distance, their lips touching and the energy that had been building was dispensed through their bodies. It was a tentative kiss, neither quite sure how to share this new role in their relationship. Stella's hands found the nape of Mac's neck, holding him lightly in place. Mac's hand rested on her chin, the other finding her hip. A few seconds and Mac broke off, giving Stella a smile. A chuckle escaping his lips.

"We kiss and you laugh? Not exactly the reaction I was going for," Stella confided with her own laugh, her hand now enclosed in Mac's. He shook his head and quickly negated her fears.

"I felt like a teenager, going in for his first kiss. I haven't felt like that since Claire," he answered truthfully. For Mac that was a sign that perhaps it was time he listened to his gut feeling more often. Stella, humbled by his omission, rubbed his arm reassuringly.

"I suppose that is okay."

Mac then removed himself from her desk and came to stand in front of her window. Dark clouds were moving off, the moon visible as it peaked out behind the buildings of the city. The rain had tapered off to a drizzle, the thunder and lightning show finished for the night. Mac smiled as he felt Stella's arm rub across his shoulders and coming to rest around his waist. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, bringing her in as close as possible.

"You okay?" Stella asked hesitantly, hoping that their revelation had not overwhelmed him and caused him to reconsider.

"Just wondering how long it will take this to go though the rumour mill," he stated with a smile, giving her a squeeze.

"I'm pretty sure that rumour has been going around for some time," a shrug and nod coming in response.

Stella forced Mac to turn and face her, his blue eyes holding a sparkle she had not seen in a long time. That alone dispelled any fear she had over him getting cold feet. Giving him a mischievous smile, she pulled him in close by the lapels of his running jacket until they were almost touching.

"You're wet," Stella complaining jokingly. Mac choosing that moment to pull her close to him, smiling as she screwed her face in mock disgust. He ignored her complaints, using one hand to push a stray curl behind her ear.

Her concerns forgotten, Stella leaned in and incited their second kiss. She felt her cheeks tingle at the skin contact with Mac, both more aggressive and confident this time around. Ever the gentleman, Mac softly brushed her lips with his tongue asking for entrance. Stella used her hand to softly brush his neck as she allowed him access, his tongue exploring the unknown. It wasn't until the need for air made itself known that it forced both to break the embrace.

They stood breathless, foreheads resting against the other. Mac's hands finding the small of her back, Stella's hands wrapping around his waist.

"Stella Bonasera...," Mac began, pausing to take a breath, "I need you. You are my night and day. You have been a huge part of me; I was just unwilling to acknowledge it." Mac took a second pause and wondered why it had taken so long to do this. "I love you too," he whispered softly, Stella looking to him at his words. She flashed him her characteristic smile, leaning in to kiss him once again on the lips. Stella then brought her head in to rest on his chest.

She could not believe this was happening, that she stood wrapped in his arms. That he had said those precious words and they were going to be together. Her sullen mood from only a short while ago disappeared, Stella aware that her life had now taken on a new path.

"I love you too," she answered.


End file.
